I'm just going to jump right into this post. Hey.
I had a doctors appointment earlier this week to go over a few things that I've been putting off (recurring shoulder dislocations, anxiety, and weight loss).
My shoulder recently partially dislocated again a couple weeks ago when I fell up the stairs, so I got a referral for physio. I've been having some anxiety attacks lately, so I was able to talk to her about that. I also requested full blood work to check my sugar, cholesterol, liver enzymes, etc. I want the full work up because I am actively trying to lose weight again- like I did 5 years ago when I lost 70lbs. I tried before my wedding, but just couldn't get into the right mindset for it, and I'm ready now. The blood work is so I can see where I'm starting from. I have gotten routine blood work every year and surprisingly, my levels are usually normal- normal blood sugar, cholesterol etc. Eventually they wont come back as normal, so I need to get back to my healthy former self asap before that happens.
At the end of my appointment, my doctor was casually looking through my file on her laptop and said "You know, you do qualify for the surgery"..
The surgery..
She said it so casually, like it's the same as removing a mole or something. As a Grey's Anatomy fan, I know what can happen during routine surgeries, and I'm not keen to have my stomach cut in half at this point in my life. I've watched the YouTube videos and it's not something I want to willingly sign up for. Some people think that surgery is the easy way out, but I think the opposite. The easy way out would be eating healthy and getting my ass to the gym as much as possible. I'm aware that sometimes that just doesn't work, but it's worked for me in the past and I need to make it work again. Part of me wonders if she mentioned it because she knows I'm terrified of surgery and she knew I would YouTube it, which would make me try hard to lose weight on my own.
Some things that may work against me are that I am 4-5 years older than the last time I tried to lose weight, I'm on birth control now, and I've had a child. I was also previously on an anti depressant which caused me to gain around 20 lbs. I've been off the anti depressant for over a year and the weight is very difficult to get off. When I lost weight 5 years ago I was able to lose around 5-10lbs at week. Now its coming off at a snails pace. My unstable shoulder also makes it difficult to do weight lifting or anything that I need to raise my arms above my head, or out to my sides for. I need to push through all of these obstacles and just do what needs to be done.
I want this post for myself as a reminder of when I began this journey again. Hopefully a year from now I can look back and see where I started from.
I'll treat this blog as my own weight loss diary for now. If anyone is reading this- hi, thanks for stopping by.
Lets do this.
-D
Tuesday, 27 September 2016
Wednesday, 30 March 2016
You're not "so OCD"
I've written a bit about this before, but I just wanted to make another post about something that drives me crazy. I hate when I see people refer to themselves as "OCD" when they have no idea what real OCD is.
OCD has become a blanket term for people who like to keep things organized and clean. This isn't OCD unless you feel like something horrible will happen if things aren't clean, so you compulsively clean to get rid of the thoughts or fears you're having.
OCD comes in many forms, but I'm going to give you some examples of what I go through on a daily basis, which will hopefully make you understand what having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is really like.
I have been on medication before for postpartum anxiety and OCD when it was at its worse. I've been off of the medication for almost a year, and what I'm about to describe is my normal, manageable OCD.
My thoughts while going for a drive with someone else driving: Okay, so we're all buckled in. Mason is secure in his car seat. What if he pulled his chest clip down. I need to check. I get out and check it before we leave. We're driving now. Okay, so I know I checked, but what if ifs not right. I can't check now because the car is moving. I'll just reach back and check. Okay, it seems to be in the right spot. What if we get into an accident and it wasn't really in the right spot and he gets thrown out of the car. What if the car seat isn't installed as tightly as I think and he gets killed. Omg I can picture him dead in the back seat. (This is an intrusive thought) I need to get rid of this thought. *Knocks 3 times on the side of the car door*. We continue driving and drive by a river. What if something runs out in front of us and we have to drive into the river. Okay look around the car, find something you could use to break the glass if we do go into the water. But what if that won't work. What if no one sees us and we drown. *Knocks 3 times on the side of the car to get rid of the thought*. We're on the highway now. I've been playing a game in my head since I was a kid as part of my OCD (yes I've had it my entire life) where I tap my finger on the seat every time I see a mile marker or post on the side of the road. If I miss a post I get a horrible feeling like something bad will happen. Since I've dealt with this forever, I can tell myself that it's just my OCD and I usually don't have to do a compulsion to get rid of that feeling anymore.
While carrying Mason down a set of stairs: I know I won't drop him, but what if I drop him and he falls directly onto his head and breaks his neck. I actually picture this happening and it terrifies me, even though I've never dropped him before and don't think I ever will. Intrusive thought. *Knock 3 times on the wall to prevent this from happening*
Mitch and Mason are late to come home. This happened a couple of weeks ago. Okay, so they're 10 minutes late. No big deal. Mitch called at 5:30 though and told me he was getting Mason now, and it only takes 5 minutes to get home. What if something happened. What if Mason ran out into the road and got hit by a car. Intrusive thoughts. What if they were pulling out of the daycare and got hit by another car and it was on the side that Mason is sitting on. *hears sirens in the distance*. Oh my god, there are sirens. How far away are they? Should I start walking towards the daycare? I'm going to call him. *calls Mitch, no answer*. Oh GOD, he always answers his phone. Something horrible happened. *pictures cops showing up at door* What if they're dead. I can't lose them, I would die. *knocks on windowsill to get rid of thought and prevent it from being real* please god don't let them be dead. Please god don't let them be dead. Please god don't let them be dead.." Repetitive praying helps me get rid of the horrible feelings of dread. I also used to do this before bed when I got intrusive thoughts about Mason and SIDS.
I called his phone and texted him probably 15 times during the above situation. He was at the store and left his phone in the car.
Sounds pretty crazy right. The thing about OCD for me is that most people would never know that I had it. All of the thoughts and fears are in my head. Mitch might see me do a quick *knock knock knock* on the car door or something, but I'm pretty inconspicuous about it and most people never see it in action.
Lately I have been managing it by identifying the intrusive thoughts as what they are. If I get one, I can say to myself "this is an intrusive thought, and it's not real". I've been able to stop them, and get rid of them without doing a compulsive behaviour, which is a huge step for me. People who get intrusive thouhts would never actually act on the thought they have (such as dropping Mason). The thoughts are manifestations of our fears of things that we are SO afraid of happening, so we do the ritual or compulsive action to get rid of it.
My main OCD behaviours are checking things, repeating, and actions to get rid of intrusive thoughts. Checking and repeating, plus anxiety were mainly what I was on medication for postpartum.
So, do you still think you are "so OCD" because you have a clean house. Probably not.
Sunday, 20 March 2016
Homemade All-Purpose Cleaner
Hi everyone!
I was cleaning out our cupboard under the sink last week, and it really shocked me how many chemical cleaners we have. Last summer I started cleaning with vinegar and essential oils, and was amazed by how well it worked. When I was cleaning out the cupboard, I even found some old cleaning supplies from the previous tenants (bleach, old air freshener, ect). I threw those out immediately, along with several of the products we had. My goal is to have all chemical cleaning products out of the house by June. I say June because I still have a few that I want to use up, but they should be gone by then. Most people would wonder why I don't just throw them out now, but I hate wasting, and technically the ones I have are supposed to be "green" products so I don't feel as guilty using them.
I was browsing through some stories on Snapchat a couple days ago and saw this recipe from one of my favorite Instagrammers/Snapchatters, Oldjoy (Kristen Mittler). It seemed SO easy, so I bought the ingredients at our local grocery store for around $5 and decided to give it a try.
All of the ingredients I used are pictured above:
- Grapefruit peelings
- White vinegar
- Glass jar
- A couple drops of tea tree oil (Optional and I didn't use it)
- Essential oils (also optional and also not used this time)
For the glass jar I decided to use my measuring cup since it comes with a lid and I didn't have any jars with covers here.
So, this was the easiest thing I've ever made. I peeled the grapefruit (make sure to ONLY use the peel with no fruit attached), placed it in the measuring cup, and covered with vinegar. Then I put the cover on, and set it aside (leave it for 1-2 weeks).
According to Kristen she leaves it in a sunny spot for 2 weeks, but when I researched it online it said a cool dark place for 1-2 weeks, so I improvised and left it on our dining room table. After 1 week you can check it and see if its ready to use. It should smell like grapefruit, and I assume the longer you leave it the stronger the smell gets. Once its ready, just strain it and pour it into a spray bottle. I buy mine at the dollar store and they work great.
If you want, you can add grapefruit essential oil to make the smell stronger. The tea tree oil is optional, but can add extra antibacterial properties to your cleaner.
I've read online that other citrus peels work as well, such as oranges or lemons, but I haven't tried those personally.
I'll post an update in a week once my cleaner is ready and let you all know how I like it :)
If any of you decide to try making this, post in the comments below and tell me if you like it, or tell me all about it on my Facebook page.
Dedreanna
I was cleaning out our cupboard under the sink last week, and it really shocked me how many chemical cleaners we have. Last summer I started cleaning with vinegar and essential oils, and was amazed by how well it worked. When I was cleaning out the cupboard, I even found some old cleaning supplies from the previous tenants (bleach, old air freshener, ect). I threw those out immediately, along with several of the products we had. My goal is to have all chemical cleaning products out of the house by June. I say June because I still have a few that I want to use up, but they should be gone by then. Most people would wonder why I don't just throw them out now, but I hate wasting, and technically the ones I have are supposed to be "green" products so I don't feel as guilty using them.
I was browsing through some stories on Snapchat a couple days ago and saw this recipe from one of my favorite Instagrammers/Snapchatters, Oldjoy (Kristen Mittler). It seemed SO easy, so I bought the ingredients at our local grocery store for around $5 and decided to give it a try.
All of the ingredients I used are pictured above:
- Grapefruit peelings
- White vinegar
- Glass jar
- A couple drops of tea tree oil (Optional and I didn't use it)
- Essential oils (also optional and also not used this time)
For the glass jar I decided to use my measuring cup since it comes with a lid and I didn't have any jars with covers here.
So, this was the easiest thing I've ever made. I peeled the grapefruit (make sure to ONLY use the peel with no fruit attached), placed it in the measuring cup, and covered with vinegar. Then I put the cover on, and set it aside (leave it for 1-2 weeks).
According to Kristen she leaves it in a sunny spot for 2 weeks, but when I researched it online it said a cool dark place for 1-2 weeks, so I improvised and left it on our dining room table. After 1 week you can check it and see if its ready to use. It should smell like grapefruit, and I assume the longer you leave it the stronger the smell gets. Once its ready, just strain it and pour it into a spray bottle. I buy mine at the dollar store and they work great.
If you want, you can add grapefruit essential oil to make the smell stronger. The tea tree oil is optional, but can add extra antibacterial properties to your cleaner.
I've read online that other citrus peels work as well, such as oranges or lemons, but I haven't tried those personally.
I'll post an update in a week once my cleaner is ready and let you all know how I like it :)
If any of you decide to try making this, post in the comments below and tell me if you like it, or tell me all about it on my Facebook page.
Dedreanna
Saturday, 19 March 2016
Review: Nature's Little Squeeze reusable pouches by WeeSprout!
Hi everyone, and happy Saturday :)
I recently received our order of reusable Nature's Little Squeeze food pouches from the company WeeSprout, and we were definitely not disappointed.
First of all, I ordered through Amazon and it was delivered really fast. The day after I ordered I got an email from the co-founder of WeeSprout, Liz Wells to thank me for my order. After the order arrived I got another email follow up to see if we have received our order yet and asking what we thought of the pouches. She noted in the email that she reads every response personally and every email goes straight to her personal inbox. I thought that was great customer service and it really shows that they care about their customers. They also noted that they are a family business and she is a mother of 5, so I thought that was awesome too.
Before I used the pouches, I washed them out with warm soapy water. The bottom opens like a Ziploc bag, so it was really easy to clean.
I pureed some fresh strawberries and Greek yogurt in my magic bullet. You can see it through the clear back on the pouches (in the Earth logo), which is really useful if you're making multiple foods at once, so you can tell them apart. The pouches were easy to fill, but it was difficult to tell how much they would hold. I found that out the wrong way when I tried to close one and the puree came spilling over the top. This can be easily fixed by adding less, which I will do next time.
Mason seemed to really enjoy it, and he had no idea it was homemade food that he was eating. He is a bit of a yogurt pouch addict, so if he likes it, I know its good.
They were just as easy to clean after he was done as before we used them. After cleaning them out, I set them out upright with the bottom open on the counter to dry.
Another thing I love about these is that they are freezer safe. I think they would be great to freeze and use as ice packs for summer road trips or picnics, then let the kids eat them once they are thawed.
Overall, I love this product. The packaging is really what drew me in. I love the see through Earth on the back, the spot to write your child's name, and the size of these pouches. I will definitely be purchasing more of these for this summer.
Dedreanna
I recently received our order of reusable Nature's Little Squeeze food pouches from the company WeeSprout, and we were definitely not disappointed.
First of all, I ordered through Amazon and it was delivered really fast. The day after I ordered I got an email from the co-founder of WeeSprout, Liz Wells to thank me for my order. After the order arrived I got another email follow up to see if we have received our order yet and asking what we thought of the pouches. She noted in the email that she reads every response personally and every email goes straight to her personal inbox. I thought that was great customer service and it really shows that they care about their customers. They also noted that they are a family business and she is a mother of 5, so I thought that was awesome too.
Before I used the pouches, I washed them out with warm soapy water. The bottom opens like a Ziploc bag, so it was really easy to clean.
I pureed some fresh strawberries and Greek yogurt in my magic bullet. You can see it through the clear back on the pouches (in the Earth logo), which is really useful if you're making multiple foods at once, so you can tell them apart. The pouches were easy to fill, but it was difficult to tell how much they would hold. I found that out the wrong way when I tried to close one and the puree came spilling over the top. This can be easily fixed by adding less, which I will do next time.
Mason seemed to really enjoy it, and he had no idea it was homemade food that he was eating. He is a bit of a yogurt pouch addict, so if he likes it, I know its good.
They were just as easy to clean after he was done as before we used them. After cleaning them out, I set them out upright with the bottom open on the counter to dry.
Another thing I love about these is that they are freezer safe. I think they would be great to freeze and use as ice packs for summer road trips or picnics, then let the kids eat them once they are thawed.
Overall, I love this product. The packaging is really what drew me in. I love the see through Earth on the back, the spot to write your child's name, and the size of these pouches. I will definitely be purchasing more of these for this summer.
Dedreanna
Thursday, 12 November 2015
Shopping with Skinny Friends
You get invited to go shopping with your skinny friends.
Panic.
You try to make up an excuse.
"I'm too poor right now, sorry"
But you haven't seen your friend's in forever and decide to go anyway. Store after store you watch them try on clothes you desperately wish you could wear.
You go into brand name stores and check out the men's section to see if maybe you could find a hoody that fits you. The men's clothes are more expensive than the cute woman's clothes you want to wear, but you buy it anyway because you want to be like them.
Next stop: Lingerie. Oh God. You awkwardly walk around Victoria's secret empty handed while your friends bounce around with 3 double push up's over their arms and a hand full of thongs. For fun you look at the biggest size they carry. You realize that you would have had to sew two of them together to even make it around your body. You end up buying some body spray and lotion at the cash just so you can leave carrying that pink striped Victoria's secret bag too.
The ladies need fall boots! You get to the shoe store and take a look around. Your friends are grabbing the latest knee high boots and you're wondering how anyone in the world can squeeze their legs into them. Your friends zip them up effortlessly without even thinking about it. You realize that nothing in this store would fit you, so you casually make your way to a wall of purses at the back. You buy a purse so you don't have to leave the store empty handed.
(are you beginning to see why fat women have so many accessories?)
Lunch time! You head down to the food court. This is it, you're finally going to see what they eat to stay so skinny. They order whatever they want. Pizza, burgers, pop.
WTF
You order a small wrap, water, and a side salad because one bite of pizza makes you gain 5 lbs. Your friend's see that you aren't in a good mood and ask "what's wrong?". You say "nothing" and smile because you're embarrassed about everything you've encountered today. You're ashamed that you can't walk around the mall effortlessly in yoga pants, that you can't shop at the same stores your friend's shop at, and that you can't even buy a damn bra without going to a specialty store.
You go home and empty your shopping bags, adding to the many accessories and body sprays you already have, and vow to make a change. You promise yourself that you won't live like this any longer, and that you will lose weight.
Panic.
You try to make up an excuse.
"I'm too poor right now, sorry"
But you haven't seen your friend's in forever and decide to go anyway. Store after store you watch them try on clothes you desperately wish you could wear.
You go into brand name stores and check out the men's section to see if maybe you could find a hoody that fits you. The men's clothes are more expensive than the cute woman's clothes you want to wear, but you buy it anyway because you want to be like them.
Next stop: Lingerie. Oh God. You awkwardly walk around Victoria's secret empty handed while your friends bounce around with 3 double push up's over their arms and a hand full of thongs. For fun you look at the biggest size they carry. You realize that you would have had to sew two of them together to even make it around your body. You end up buying some body spray and lotion at the cash just so you can leave carrying that pink striped Victoria's secret bag too.
The ladies need fall boots! You get to the shoe store and take a look around. Your friends are grabbing the latest knee high boots and you're wondering how anyone in the world can squeeze their legs into them. Your friends zip them up effortlessly without even thinking about it. You realize that nothing in this store would fit you, so you casually make your way to a wall of purses at the back. You buy a purse so you don't have to leave the store empty handed.
(are you beginning to see why fat women have so many accessories?)
Lunch time! You head down to the food court. This is it, you're finally going to see what they eat to stay so skinny. They order whatever they want. Pizza, burgers, pop.
WTF
You order a small wrap, water, and a side salad because one bite of pizza makes you gain 5 lbs. Your friend's see that you aren't in a good mood and ask "what's wrong?". You say "nothing" and smile because you're embarrassed about everything you've encountered today. You're ashamed that you can't walk around the mall effortlessly in yoga pants, that you can't shop at the same stores your friend's shop at, and that you can't even buy a damn bra without going to a specialty store.
You go home and empty your shopping bags, adding to the many accessories and body sprays you already have, and vow to make a change. You promise yourself that you won't live like this any longer, and that you will lose weight.
Wednesday, 11 November 2015
Get Moving! Challange Day 1
Hi everyone! I'm participating in the Canadian Diabetes Association's Get Moving challenge! For one week, we are encouraged to incorporate as much physical activity into our work days as possible. I work at an awesome call center, but that means I'm sitting at a computer all day, but there are lots of desk exercises and small measures that can be taken to be more active.
We have a list of suggested exercises and ways to get more active during the day. I will post each evening my activity for the day!
I missed posting Monday, and I did not work yesterday, so I'm posting Monday's activity below now! :)
Dedreanna
We have a list of suggested exercises and ways to get more active during the day. I will post each evening my activity for the day!
I missed posting Monday, and I did not work yesterday, so I'm posting Monday's activity below now! :)
- I got to work an hour early and walked 1 mile on the treadmill at an incline :)
- 9:20 am- 50 Leg lifts at desk
- 11:45am- 50 more leg lifts at desk
- 12:50pm- Used resistance bands at my desk. I'm still trying to strengthen my shoulder from my dislocation.
- 1:20pm- used company gym for stretching and weight training on lunch
- 2:21pm- 25 leg lifts at desk
- 4:30pm- Desk exercises including leg lifts, resistance band, and stretching.
Dedreanna
Saturday, 10 October 2015
How I dislocated my shoulder
Hey everyone! I know I've been neglecting this blog in favor of my mom blog Adventure & Love, but I'm going to try my best to keep it going. I wasn't sure which blog this post should go on, but I've decided to talk about it here since this is my health outlet.
So, a little back story on the shoulder situation. Last spring I partially tore my rotator cuff. I was sitting in our glider trying to get Mason to sleep, and I reached my right arm back to grab something from the pocket of the chair. It was an instant searing pain and my shoulder felt really unstable and wobbly. It was SO painful I dropped Mason off my lap onto the floor. I had no idea what had happened, and it was extremely sore for weeks afterwards. I eventually went to outpatients and was told by the on call doctor that I had torn or partially tore my rotator cuff. The only way to tell if something like that happens is by doing an MRI, which they wont do unless its absolutely necessary.
So months go by. I never went to physio because I was told it would eventually heal on its own. Once in a while if I moved it a certain way, it would quickly pop out and pop back in, which is painful, but it always happened really fast.
3 days ago was like any typical morning at our house. Mitch was in the tub, and Mason and I were in the bathroom also, getting ready for the day. Mason was standing by the tub and I was by the sink. I stretched my arms out, like everyone does in the morning, and my shoulder completely slipped out of the socket and was pushed forward. I can honestly say I finally found something that hurts worse than labor pains. It was honestly the worst pain of my life. It felt completely unstable and I could feel the shoulder grinding around, my arm was completely numb from my elbow up and I couldn't move my shoulder in any direction without extreme pain. It was a complete shock and I just started screaming. Mitch had no idea what was going on and though that I had a charlie horse (I'm prone to them). He was like "What do I do??!?", so I told him I needed to go to the hospital.
He got Mason ready to go and we headed to the ER. Any movement at all was extremely painful, so I kept my arm close to my body while we drove up. On the way there we went over a bump and I felt my shoulder slip back into place. We still continued to the hospital because even though it was back in place, it still hurt a lot and I wanted to get it checked out.
The on call doctor ordered an X-ray of it and came back saying my shoulder bone looked "pristine" and that there was no sign of damage. Again, you cant see muscle damage without an MRI, which they wont do unless you need surgery. He said that my rotator cuff and shoulder muscles are probably still weak from the original injury back in April, and that it can easily slip out of place again if I don't strengthen them. I was given a sling and a "prescription" for physio. He also told me ways I can pop it back into place if it happens again- basically telling me it will probably happen again and I don't need to go to the ER each time- awesome...
It's been a few days, and I'm not wearing the sling anymore. It was impossible to do anything with it on, and just annoying in general. I'm taking this as a serious wake up call on my health and strength. My body is clearly trying to tell me something, and I need to listen to it.
So now, I sit here before work writing this, drinking a protein shake instead of an iced cap with serious intentions of finally kicking all of my unhealthy habits and following my own advice that I've been telling people based on what I'm learning in school.
This thanksgiving weekend I'm thankful for life, and for all of the changes to come.
So, a little back story on the shoulder situation. Last spring I partially tore my rotator cuff. I was sitting in our glider trying to get Mason to sleep, and I reached my right arm back to grab something from the pocket of the chair. It was an instant searing pain and my shoulder felt really unstable and wobbly. It was SO painful I dropped Mason off my lap onto the floor. I had no idea what had happened, and it was extremely sore for weeks afterwards. I eventually went to outpatients and was told by the on call doctor that I had torn or partially tore my rotator cuff. The only way to tell if something like that happens is by doing an MRI, which they wont do unless its absolutely necessary.
So months go by. I never went to physio because I was told it would eventually heal on its own. Once in a while if I moved it a certain way, it would quickly pop out and pop back in, which is painful, but it always happened really fast.
3 days ago was like any typical morning at our house. Mitch was in the tub, and Mason and I were in the bathroom also, getting ready for the day. Mason was standing by the tub and I was by the sink. I stretched my arms out, like everyone does in the morning, and my shoulder completely slipped out of the socket and was pushed forward. I can honestly say I finally found something that hurts worse than labor pains. It was honestly the worst pain of my life. It felt completely unstable and I could feel the shoulder grinding around, my arm was completely numb from my elbow up and I couldn't move my shoulder in any direction without extreme pain. It was a complete shock and I just started screaming. Mitch had no idea what was going on and though that I had a charlie horse (I'm prone to them). He was like "What do I do??!?", so I told him I needed to go to the hospital.
He got Mason ready to go and we headed to the ER. Any movement at all was extremely painful, so I kept my arm close to my body while we drove up. On the way there we went over a bump and I felt my shoulder slip back into place. We still continued to the hospital because even though it was back in place, it still hurt a lot and I wanted to get it checked out.
The on call doctor ordered an X-ray of it and came back saying my shoulder bone looked "pristine" and that there was no sign of damage. Again, you cant see muscle damage without an MRI, which they wont do unless you need surgery. He said that my rotator cuff and shoulder muscles are probably still weak from the original injury back in April, and that it can easily slip out of place again if I don't strengthen them. I was given a sling and a "prescription" for physio. He also told me ways I can pop it back into place if it happens again- basically telling me it will probably happen again and I don't need to go to the ER each time- awesome...It's been a few days, and I'm not wearing the sling anymore. It was impossible to do anything with it on, and just annoying in general. I'm taking this as a serious wake up call on my health and strength. My body is clearly trying to tell me something, and I need to listen to it.
So now, I sit here before work writing this, drinking a protein shake instead of an iced cap with serious intentions of finally kicking all of my unhealthy habits and following my own advice that I've been telling people based on what I'm learning in school.
This thanksgiving weekend I'm thankful for life, and for all of the changes to come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)