I'm stuck in a rut

I'm stuck. I'm depressed, anxious and just generally stressed and upset every day lately. Sometimes for no apparent reason. I feel like the weight of the entire world is pressing down on me, and nothing seems to be relieving the pressure lately. It's like a constant pressure and panic in my chest. Like the feeling you get when someone tells you bad news- that's how I feel all the time. 

I have a doctors appointment in 2 days to get the results of my blood work and I'm going to ask her to put me back on an antidepressant. I just want to feel normal again, and if it's some kind of chemical imbalance, nothing is going to help except medication. Part of me is hoping my blood work comes back with some kind of vitamin deficiency that's causing this, because taking vitamins is a lot more socially acceptable than admitting to being on an antidepressant. I could just keep my medical issues to myself, but writing is a form of therapy to me. 

I've also been considering getting my doctor to put me on the list for weight loss surgery. As you can see from my last post, then thoughts of surgery terrifies me (TERRIFIES) but I feel like maybe just having my name on the list can be kind of a safety net in case I can't pull this off on my own. I also feel like having my name on the list is going to motivate me to try my hardest to lose it on my own. I've decided to go back to the healthy diet and lifestyle I had when I did biggest loser Fredericton. The hardest part is getting into the right mindset. I need to get into the habit of making healthier versions of the food I eat now, making smoothies instead of buying iced caps etc. I'm going to get back into the habit of meal prepping and making things ahead of time. I won't use my busy life as an excuse anymore. 

I constantly worry about keeping Mason healthy, making sure he's taking his vitamins and eating healthy food, not letting him drink juice or have junk food. In need to apply the same thought process to myself. I need to parent myself and treat myself how I treat Mason. 

I'm not going to post this post on my main facebook page because I can't take the pressure of having my promises out there for the world to see and then failing. I will post this on my blog page because the few people (very few) who may follow me might want an update. 

I'm going to try and post as much as possible to keep myself accountable. If you are reading this, please keep in mind that I'm going to have off days, and off weeks. I'm hoping going back on my antidepressant will help me to focus and allow me to start feeling life again. That's the only way I can describe it- I'm not feeling life anymore. I just recently came to the conclusion that I must be depressed when I tried to describe what "normal" felt like and realized I haven't felt normal in a really long time. 

Hopefully I'll feel normal again by Christmas, because it's my favourite time of year. I'll update soon. 

D