I'm stuck in a rut

I'm stuck. I'm depressed, anxious and just generally stressed and upset every day lately. Sometimes for no apparent reason. I feel like the weight of the entire world is pressing down on me, and nothing seems to be relieving the pressure lately. It's like a constant pressure and panic in my chest. Like the feeling you get when someone tells you bad news- that's how I feel all the time. 

I have a doctors appointment in 2 days to get the results of my blood work and I'm going to ask her to put me back on an antidepressant. I just want to feel normal again, and if it's some kind of chemical imbalance, nothing is going to help except medication. Part of me is hoping my blood work comes back with some kind of vitamin deficiency that's causing this, because taking vitamins is a lot more socially acceptable than admitting to being on an antidepressant. I could just keep my medical issues to myself, but writing is a form of therapy to me. 

I've also been considering getting my doctor to put me on the list for weight loss surgery. As you can see from my last post, then thoughts of surgery terrifies me (TERRIFIES) but I feel like maybe just having my name on the list can be kind of a safety net in case I can't pull this off on my own. I also feel like having my name on the list is going to motivate me to try my hardest to lose it on my own. I've decided to go back to the healthy diet and lifestyle I had when I did biggest loser Fredericton. The hardest part is getting into the right mindset. I need to get into the habit of making healthier versions of the food I eat now, making smoothies instead of buying iced caps etc. I'm going to get back into the habit of meal prepping and making things ahead of time. I won't use my busy life as an excuse anymore. 

I constantly worry about keeping Mason healthy, making sure he's taking his vitamins and eating healthy food, not letting him drink juice or have junk food. In need to apply the same thought process to myself. I need to parent myself and treat myself how I treat Mason. 

I'm not going to post this post on my main facebook page because I can't take the pressure of having my promises out there for the world to see and then failing. I will post this on my blog page because the few people (very few) who may follow me might want an update. 

I'm going to try and post as much as possible to keep myself accountable. If you are reading this, please keep in mind that I'm going to have off days, and off weeks. I'm hoping going back on my antidepressant will help me to focus and allow me to start feeling life again. That's the only way I can describe it- I'm not feeling life anymore. I just recently came to the conclusion that I must be depressed when I tried to describe what "normal" felt like and realized I haven't felt normal in a really long time. 

Hopefully I'll feel normal again by Christmas, because it's my favourite time of year. I'll update soon. 

D 

I Don't Want Weight Loss Surgery

I'm just going to jump right into this post. Hey.

I had a doctors appointment earlier this week to go over a few things that I've been putting off (recurring shoulder dislocations, anxiety, and weight loss).

My shoulder recently partially dislocated again a couple weeks ago when I fell up the stairs, so I got a referral for physio. I've been having some anxiety attacks lately, so I was able to talk to her about that. I also requested full blood work to check my sugar, cholesterol, liver enzymes, etc. I want the full work up because I am actively trying to lose weight again- like I did 5 years ago when I lost 70lbs. I tried before my wedding, but just couldn't get into the right mindset for it, and I'm ready now. The blood work is so I can see where I'm starting from. I have gotten routine blood work every year and surprisingly, my levels are usually normal- normal blood sugar, cholesterol etc. Eventually they wont come back as normal, so I need to get back to my healthy former self asap before that happens.

At the end of my appointment, my doctor was casually looking through my file on her laptop and said "You know, you do qualify for the surgery"..

The surgery..

She said it so casually, like it's the same as removing a mole or something. As a Grey's Anatomy fan, I know what can happen during routine surgeries, and I'm not keen to have my stomach cut in half at this point in my life. I've watched the YouTube videos and it's not something I want to willingly sign up for. Some people think that surgery is the easy way out, but I think the opposite. The easy way out would be eating healthy and getting my ass to the gym as much as possible. I'm aware that sometimes that just doesn't work, but it's worked for me in the past and I need to make it work again. Part of me wonders if she mentioned it because she knows I'm terrified of surgery and she knew I would YouTube it, which would make me try hard to lose weight on my own.

Some things that may work against me are that I am 4-5 years older than the last time I tried to lose weight, I'm on birth control now, and I've had a child. I was also previously on an anti depressant which caused me to gain around 20 lbs. I've been off the anti depressant for over a year and the weight is very difficult to get off. When I lost weight 5 years ago I was able to lose around 5-10lbs at week. Now its coming off at a snails pace. My unstable shoulder also makes it difficult to do weight lifting or anything that I need to raise my arms above my head, or out to my sides for. I need to push through all of these obstacles and just do what needs to be done.

I want this post for myself as a reminder of when I began this journey again. Hopefully a year from now I can look back and see where I started from.

I'll treat this blog as my own weight loss diary for now. If anyone is reading this- hi, thanks for stopping by.

Lets do this.

-D

You're not "so OCD"

I've written a bit about this before, but I just wanted to make another post about something that drives me crazy. I hate when I see people refer to themselves as "OCD" when they have no idea what real OCD is. 

OCD has become a blanket term for people who like to keep things organized and clean. This isn't OCD unless you feel like something horrible will happen if things aren't clean, so you compulsively clean to get rid of the thoughts or fears you're having. 

OCD comes in many forms, but I'm going to give you some examples of what I go through on a daily basis, which will hopefully make you understand what having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is really like. 

I have been on medication before for postpartum anxiety and OCD when it was at its worse. I've been off of the medication for almost a year, and what I'm about to describe is my normal, manageable OCD. 

My thoughts while going for a drive with someone else driving: Okay, so we're all buckled in. Mason is secure in his car seat. What if he pulled his chest clip down. I need to check. I get out and check it before we leave. We're driving now. Okay, so I know I checked, but what if ifs not right. I can't check now because the car is moving. I'll just reach back and check. Okay, it seems to be in the right spot. What if we get into an accident and it wasn't really in the right spot and he gets thrown out of the car. What if the car seat isn't installed as tightly as I think and he gets killed. Omg I can picture him dead in the back seat. (This is an intrusive thought) I need to get rid of this thought. *Knocks 3 times on the side of the car door*. We continue driving and drive by a river. What if something runs out in front of us and we have to drive into the river. Okay look around the car, find something you could use to break the glass if we do go into the water. But what if that won't work. What if no one sees us and we drown. *Knocks 3 times on the side of the car to get rid of the thought*. We're on the highway now. I've been playing a game in my head since I was a kid as part of my OCD (yes I've had it my entire life) where I tap my finger on the seat every time I see a mile marker or post on the side of the road. If I miss a post I get a horrible feeling like something bad will happen. Since I've dealt with this forever, I can tell myself that it's just my OCD and I usually don't have to do a compulsion to get rid of that feeling anymore. 

While carrying Mason down a set of stairs: I know I won't drop him, but what if I drop him and he falls directly onto his head and breaks his neck. I actually picture this happening and it terrifies me, even though I've never dropped him before and don't think I ever will.  Intrusive thought. *Knock 3 times on the wall to prevent this from happening* 

Mitch and Mason are late to come home. This happened a couple of weeks ago. Okay, so they're 10 minutes late. No big deal. Mitch called at 5:30 though and told me he was getting Mason now, and it only takes 5 minutes to get home. What if something happened. What if Mason ran out into the road and got hit by a car. Intrusive thoughts. What if they were pulling out of the daycare and got hit by another car and it was on the side that Mason is sitting on. *hears sirens in the distance*. Oh my god, there are sirens. How far away are they? Should I start walking towards the daycare? I'm going to call him. *calls Mitch, no answer*. Oh GOD, he always answers his phone. Something horrible happened. *pictures cops showing up at door* What if they're dead. I can't lose them, I would die. *knocks on windowsill to get rid of thought and prevent it from being real* please god don't let them be dead. Please god don't let them be dead. Please god don't let them be dead.." Repetitive praying helps me get rid of the horrible feelings of dread. I also used to do this before bed when I got intrusive thoughts about Mason and SIDS. 

I called his phone and texted him probably 15 times during the above situation. He was at the store and left his phone in the car. 

Sounds pretty crazy right. The thing about OCD for me is that most people would never know that I had it. All of the thoughts and fears are in my head. Mitch might see me do a quick *knock knock knock* on the car door or something, but I'm pretty inconspicuous about it and most people never see it in action. 

Lately I have been managing it by identifying the intrusive thoughts as what they are. If I get one, I can say to myself "this is an intrusive thought, and it's not real". I've been able to stop them, and get rid of them without doing a compulsive behaviour, which is a huge step for me. People who get intrusive thouhts would never actually act on the thought they have (such as dropping Mason). The thoughts are manifestations of our fears of things that we are SO afraid of happening, so we do the ritual or compulsive action to get rid of it. 

My main OCD behaviours are checking things, repeating, and actions to get rid of intrusive thoughts. Checking and repeating, plus anxiety were mainly what I was on medication for postpartum. 

So, do you still think you are "so OCD" because you have a clean house. Probably not. 

Homemade All-Purpose Cleaner

Hi everyone!

I was cleaning out our cupboard under the sink last week, and it really shocked me how many chemical cleaners we have. Last summer I started cleaning with vinegar and essential oils, and was amazed by how well it worked. When I was cleaning out the cupboard, I even found some old cleaning supplies from the previous tenants (bleach, old air freshener, ect). I threw those out immediately, along with several of the products we had. My goal is to have all chemical cleaning products out of the house by June. I say June because I still have a few that I want to use up, but they should be gone by then. Most people would wonder why I don't just throw them out now, but I hate wasting, and technically the ones I have are supposed to be "green" products so I don't feel as guilty using them.

I was browsing through some stories on Snapchat a couple days ago and saw this recipe from one of my favorite Instagrammers/Snapchatters, Oldjoy (Kristen Mittler). It seemed SO easy, so I bought the ingredients at our local grocery store for around $5 and decided to give it a try.

All of the ingredients I used are pictured above:

- Grapefruit peelings
- White vinegar
- Glass jar
- A couple drops of tea tree oil (Optional and I didn't use it)
- Essential oils (also optional and also not used this time)

For the glass jar I decided to use my measuring cup since it comes with a lid and I didn't have any jars with covers here.

So, this was the easiest thing I've ever made. I peeled the grapefruit (make sure to ONLY use the peel with no fruit attached), placed it in the measuring cup, and covered with vinegar. Then I put the cover on, and set it aside (leave it for 1-2 weeks).

According to Kristen she leaves it in a sunny spot for 2 weeks, but when I researched it online it said a cool dark place for 1-2 weeks, so I improvised and left it on our dining room table. After 1 week you can check it and see if its ready to use. It should smell like grapefruit, and I assume the longer you leave it the stronger the smell gets. Once its ready, just strain it and pour it into a spray bottle. I buy mine at the dollar store and they work great.

If you want, you can add grapefruit essential oil to make the smell stronger. The tea tree oil is optional, but can add extra antibacterial properties to your cleaner.

I've read online that other citrus peels work as well, such as oranges or lemons, but I haven't tried those personally.

I'll post an update in a week once my cleaner is ready and let you all know how I like it :)

If any of you decide to try making this, post in the comments below and tell me if you like it, or tell me all about it on my Facebook page.

Dedreanna

Review: Nature's Little Squeeze reusable pouches by WeeSprout!

Hi everyone, and happy Saturday :)

I recently received our order of reusable  Nature's Little Squeeze food pouches from the company WeeSprout, and we were definitely not disappointed.

First of all, I ordered through Amazon and it was delivered really fast. The day after I ordered I got an email from the co-founder of WeeSprout, Liz Wells to thank me for my order. After the order arrived I got another email follow up to see if we have received our order yet and asking what we thought of the pouches. She noted in the email that she reads every response personally and every email goes straight to her personal inbox. I thought that was great customer service and it really shows that they care about their customers. They also noted that they are a family business and she is a mother of 5, so I thought that was awesome too.

Before I used the pouches, I washed them out with warm soapy water. The bottom opens like a Ziploc bag, so it was really easy to clean.

I pureed some fresh strawberries and Greek yogurt in my magic bullet. You can see it through the clear back on the pouches (in the Earth logo), which is really useful if you're making multiple foods at once, so you can tell them apart. The pouches were easy to fill, but it was difficult to tell how much they would hold. I found that out the wrong way when I tried to close one and the puree came spilling over the top. This can be easily fixed by adding less, which I will do next time.

Mason seemed to really enjoy it, and he had no idea it was homemade food that he was eating. He is a bit of a yogurt pouch addict, so if he likes it, I know its good.

They were just as easy to clean after he was done as before we used them. After cleaning them out, I set them out upright with the bottom open on the counter to dry.

Another thing I love about these is that they are freezer safe. I think they would be great to freeze and use as ice packs for summer road trips or picnics, then let the kids eat them once they are thawed.

Overall, I love this product. The packaging is really what drew me in. I love the see through Earth on the back, the spot to write your child's name, and the size of these pouches. I will definitely be purchasing more of these for this summer.

Dedreanna